When you feel like you can’t leave

When You Feel Like You Can’t Leave: Surviving Narcissistic Abuse

There is a moment in nearly every survivor’s story where they whisper, “I wanted to leave, but I couldn’t.” To outsiders, it might seem confusing. Why not just walk away from someone who treats you badly? But to those entangled in narcissistic abuse, the inability to leave isn’t about weakness—it’s about survival, confusion, and the psychological web a narcissist expertly spins.

Narcissistic abuse isn’t just about loud insults, explosive anger, or blatant control. Often, it’s subtle and slow—a toxic dance of charm, manipulation, and emotional deprivation that keeps the survivor questioning their reality. The cycle begins with idealization: love bombing, praise, affection, and intense connection. The survivor feels chosen, cherished, and deeply bonded. Then comes the devaluation—silent treatment, gaslighting, criticism masked as concern, emotional withdrawal. The shift is so jarring and unpredictable that the survivor begins to cling to the memory of the “good times,” hoping if they just try harder, they can get the love back.

This is why survivors often feel like they can’t leave. They’re not just physically stuck—they’re emotionally imprisoned.

The Trauma Bond

One of the most powerful forces that keeps people in toxic relationships is the trauma bond. It’s an intense emotional attachment formed through cycles of intermittent reward and punishment. A narcissist alternates kindness with cruelty, affection with rejection. This creates a physiological dependency in the survivor’s brain—similar to addiction. They become addicted to hope, to the high of momentary affection after long periods of emotional starvation.

You start telling yourself, “It’s not always bad,” or “They didn’t mean it,” or even, “Maybe it’s my fault.” These thoughts aren’t delusional—they are survival strategies. When you’re in an emotionally manipulative environment, your mind does what it can to create safety. Rationalizing abuse, denying your pain, and blaming yourself might feel safer than acknowledging that the person you love is also the person who’s hurting you.

Gaslighting: Rewriting Your Reality

Narcissists are masters of gaslighting—making you question your memory, perception, and even your sanity. Over time, you begin to doubt your instincts. You hear yourself saying, “Maybe I am overreacting,” or “Maybe I did cause this fight.” You lose your ability to trust yourself.

This erosion of self-trust is exactly why leaving feels impossible. If you can't believe your own judgment, how can you be sure that leaving is the right thing? If your abuser constantly tells you that you're nothing without them, eventually you start to believe it. That internalized voice becomes another chain.

Fear and Isolation

Narcissists often isolate their victims from friends and family—sometimes overtly by picking fights when you want to see loved ones, or more subtly by sowing doubt about your relationships. "They don't really care about you." "They're just jealous of us." "Why do you always need their opinion?"

Little by little, your support system disappears. And without it, leaving feels like stepping into a void. The narcissist becomes your whole world—your source of love, validation, fear, and identity. Losing that, even when it's toxic, can feel more terrifying than staying.

Financial control, threats, or shared children can further trap someone in a narcissistic relationship. But even without those external barriers, the emotional chains are often the hardest to break.

The Shame of Staying

Many survivors don’t leave because of shame. Shame that they stayed this long. Shame that they didn’t see the signs. Shame that they loved someone who hurt them. Society often judges people in abusive relationships, asking, “Why didn’t you leave?” when the real question should be, “What made you feel like you couldn’t?”

Survivors carry that shame in silence, afraid they won’t be believed, or worse, that they’ll be blamed. And so they stay longer. They disappear into the persona they’ve created to cope—smiling on the outside while dying on the inside.

The Turning Point

For many, the decision to leave doesn’t come in a dramatic moment—it comes in a whisper. A quiet realization that something has to change. That love should not feel like fear. That being alone is better than being invisible in your own life.

Leaving a narcissistic relationship isn’t a single decision—it’s a process. It involves unlearning the lies you've been told about yourself. Rebuilding your self-trust. Reconnecting with people who remind you of who you are. And often, seeking therapy or support groups that understand the unique trauma of narcissistic abuse.

You Are Not Alone

If you feel like you can’t leave, know this: you are not broken. You are not weak. You are surviving in a situation that has been designed to keep you stuck. But you can leave. And when you do, there is healing. There is freedom. There is a version of you—strong, whole, and at peace—waiting on the other side.

You don’t have to have all the answers right now. You just need one thing: the belief that you deserve more.

Because you do.

And when you’re ready, you’ll walk away—not because you finally stopped loving them, but because you finally started loving yourself.

If you are ready to explore how therapy can help you, I offer narcissistic abuse recovery in California. Let’s take the next step together—at your pace, and on your terms.

About the Author

Melissa Willard is a licensed marriage and family therapist providing virtual therapy to survivors of narcissistic abuse across California. With advanced training in multiple trauma-focused modalities, Melissa specializes in helping clients feel better, faster.